MY DARK SECRET

No, I didn’t kiss a girl, but if I did I am not so sure I would like it…or would I? I am actually referring to Katy Perry’s lead single for the album “One of the Boys” released in 2008. The song topped the Billboard Hot 100 chart. The song has since become a major worldwide hit, and along with the United States, it has topped the charts in more than 30 countries, including Australia, Canada, Ireland and the United Kingdom.

Anyways, what I am getting at is if this song was performed by a male, I wonder if it would have received the same response as it did now! Somehow, I can’t help it but notice that society can be a little more welcoming towards gay women than gay men. Why is that?

Does it have anything to do with the fact that women are more emotional and affectionate by nature? I can’t understand why society may be confused if they see two men being affectionate towards each other. Why is that? Is it because men should not be affectionate towards their own sex? And if so, who made up that rule? Probably back in the day when men were more barbaric it was suggested that we are not capable of being affectionate and thus setting some sort of stance that men being affectionate is not natural!

I really don’t know, but I wish I knew… well that was just something that came across my mind and I decided to share it.

Ps, I love the song by the way…very nice :)

I never really spoke about it because I never really accepted it as I mentioned before. I do not feel like I am in a bottom-less pit anymore, I no longer feel that I am the only one. I had the opportunity to read some other blogs which have given me an ounce of courage to dig up the scars that I tried to conceal over time. I know it will bleed and cause some pain, but I am prepared to finally try and understand what happened so I can heal and forgive myself. I will reveal my story as much as I can dig up without breaking down uncontrollably…

I can’t remember how old I was exactly but I do remember being in primary school. He wasn’t much older than me, just a few years if I can remember exactly. Probably mid teen, about 16 or 17 I guess. We did not spend a lot of time together because of how far apart we live from each other. During the Easter holidays or maybe Christmas if I did well in my class exams, my parents would send me for holidays by my grandfather.

Holidays was always the best times of my life, not being in school! No work, no teachers…no headache. My life then was pretty simple, I can’t remember having any problems, I was as normal as they come. Actually despite everything that happened, right up until I was seventeen, I considered myself to be normal. I had no reasons to think otherwise. But now as I go back to that dark time, I am now starting to understand why I thought I was normal.

I have put so much effort into hiding it, making sure no one suspected. I did such a good job at it that I also hid it from myself. But it was still there, lurking in the back of my mind and no matter how much I suppressed it , I couldn’t deny its existence.

I was the oldest child for my parents, I always wanted a bigger brother and maybe that’s why I bonded so well with him. He always cared about me. He was so young and free-spirited. Spoilt really if you ask me. sometimes I ask myself if he knew what he did to me. if he ever thinks about it. After it happened, it was never mentioned again. I wonder if the whole ‘incident’ just vanished from his memory. I often put myself in his shoes, trying to understand why he did it. His mom died at an early age, he was 6 or 7 I think. He had 7 brothers all older than him. I wonder so many times ?

I respected him so much though, although he was so young. I couldn’t deny his role in my life. So many times I was left under his supervision when my grandpa went to work. And it was on one of those occasions it first happened. The first time my father’s brother touched me….

It was so hard to accept the fact that I was Gay..that I was different. I kept telling myself that maybe it was just a phase I was going through...that it was just a narrow street I was walking through and someday I will come out of it. But the older I became, the more convoluted things got.

I somehow blamed the internet for all of this...I never fully understood what being Gay was. After everything that happened, I thought...It was just something wrong with me. That I was alone in this and if I said something to someone they would think I was a psycho and put me away..

Instead, I found the internet [or was it the internet that found me] and it opened me up to the world...to the world of homosexuality. Despite what I went through that wretched summer vacation as a child, I began learning things and instead of hating it...I begun embracing it and later I started loving it..

Living Gay and actually believing you are Gay can be so different for me. I have been living a gay lifestyle for five years but never truly believed it. I never admitted to myself that I could be like this. My parents had hopes of so much things ...but it’s all shattered now... all because of me. I can never tell them the truth, I cannot stand to see the hurt in their eyes, the disappointment… not after what they went through for me…what they sacrificed for me.

It wasn't until recently, I sat down and scrutinized my life, what I went through, what I enjoyed, what I hated and I finally understood, I finally accepted... that it wasn’t a phase, it wasn’t some street I was walking through. It was my life and it was time I stopped hating myself and start loving ME.

Dear world,

I am so weary of hiding the veracity of my sexuality that it feels like an immense encumber which I am forced to carry around on my shoulders, weighing me down together with the falling sky all of which seems to have banded together to crush me to the ground. The deceit I carry exist only because I am too terrified to do anything about it. But what can I do in a passé society where the people are too narrow-minded to even accept the fact that everyone have a right to live their life as they desire?

A lack of understanding and a few bad eggs have made it impossible for any of “our kind” to enjoy a normal life here. I am talking about effeminate guys who have blinded the world with the idea that all homosexual males act the way they do which in my opinion can be a bit uncomfortable to be around. I stand by my statement that everyone is entitled to a life of free will. Sadly though, in a country where homosexuality is against the law, even if you decide to come out and live normally, it’s no difference because of the stigmatization we have created.

So making it through each day is always a battle no matter how “straight” you try to be. Instead we are forced to be someone we are not. We feel obligated to pretend to love things we essentially dislike. I have had so much instances where I do things just to fit in so as to not to be perceived as being different. Some time ago, I am out with my co-workers having drinks at a sports bar when one of the guys points out a female who is really attractive and says to me , “don’t you think she is just sexy, won’t you like to be with her”? and because we fear that our secret will be revealed if we refute the statements, we instead lie and tell them what they want to hear.

I wish sometimes, that things could be different, not with me, but with society. I am comfortable the way I am. I am happy being gay and in the closet but life would have been so much easier and smoother if people would understand what homosexuals face on a daily basis. I am not asking for pity…..I am just asking for the respect every human being deserve, because despite how we choose to be sexually we are still human beings. I am repulsed by the idea that society has given gay people an image to be ashamed of.

The only silver lining on this cloud is the fact that I am not alone. There are other guys like me who thinks about the same things I do. And it makes me feel that there is a small piece of hope somewhere waiting to be found. A little faith can go a long way and if we all hold on to whatever little we have, things will certainly look better!

Hi… I live in Trinidad and I am Gay