MY DARK SECRET

Dear world,

I am so weary of hiding the veracity of my sexuality that it feels like an immense encumber which I am forced to carry around on my shoulders, weighing me down together with the falling sky all of which seems to have banded together to crush me to the ground. The deceit I carry exist only because I am too terrified to do anything about it. But what can I do in a passé society where the people are too narrow-minded to even accept the fact that everyone have a right to live their life as they desire?

A lack of understanding and a few bad eggs have made it impossible for any of “our kind” to enjoy a normal life here. I am talking about effeminate guys who have blinded the world with the idea that all homosexual males act the way they do which in my opinion can be a bit uncomfortable to be around. I stand by my statement that everyone is entitled to a life of free will. Sadly though, in a country where homosexuality is against the law, even if you decide to come out and live normally, it’s no difference because of the stigmatization we have created.

So making it through each day is always a battle no matter how “straight” you try to be. Instead we are forced to be someone we are not. We feel obligated to pretend to love things we essentially dislike. I have had so much instances where I do things just to fit in so as to not to be perceived as being different. Some time ago, I am out with my co-workers having drinks at a sports bar when one of the guys points out a female who is really attractive and says to me , “don’t you think she is just sexy, won’t you like to be with her”? and because we fear that our secret will be revealed if we refute the statements, we instead lie and tell them what they want to hear.

I wish sometimes, that things could be different, not with me, but with society. I am comfortable the way I am. I am happy being gay and in the closet but life would have been so much easier and smoother if people would understand what homosexuals face on a daily basis. I am not asking for pity…..I am just asking for the respect every human being deserve, because despite how we choose to be sexually we are still human beings. I am repulsed by the idea that society has given gay people an image to be ashamed of.

The only silver lining on this cloud is the fact that I am not alone. There are other guys like me who thinks about the same things I do. And it makes me feel that there is a small piece of hope somewhere waiting to be found. A little faith can go a long way and if we all hold on to whatever little we have, things will certainly look better!

Hi… I live in Trinidad and I am Gay